On “The Lobster”

The movie “The Lobster” is now available to stream on Netflix.

A dog gets kicked to death in “The Lobster”.

If you don’t want to see a movie where a dog gets kicked to death, don’t watch “The Lobster”.

If you want to see a movie where a dog gets kicked to death, don’t want that. That’s a really weird thing to want. 

I don’t think the person that made “The Lobster” is a bad person.

I don’t think the movie that is “The Lobster” is a bad movie.

“The Lobster” is whatever.

“The Lobster” is like fifty-million hours long. And the whole thing is just one long, uncomfortable close-up of the little hairs between Collin Farrell’s eyebrows.

Halfway through “The Lobster” the movie just cuts to Collin Farrell’s sex-tape. And they let it run for like, three minutes.

There’s one moment in “The Lobster” where Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street shows up and places his tin garbage-can lid on Collin Farrell’s head like a crown and says, “here Collin, you take this, you’re the new Trash King now”.

Another weird detail in “The Lobster” is how Rachel Weisz keeps calling Léa Seydoux “Marion Cotillard” in all of their scenes together. 

She keeps whispering to Léa Seydoux about how she loves her early work in the “Taxi” movies and humming the tune to “La Vie en Rose” while winking at her real big.

SPOILER ALERT: This conflict serves as the eventual motivation for Léa Seydoux to blind Rachel Weisz at the end of the movie and then mouth-kiss Rachel Weisz’s husband Daniel Craig in the Bond movie they made together entitled “Uh-Oh! A Little Bit of Danger Over Here!”

There’s this scene in “The Lobster” where the entire cast of the movie hold the “Comedy Central Roast of ‘The Lobster'” and I was like: “what?” 

I don’t know if you ever see an actual lobster in “The Lobster” so don’t get your hopes up lobster-lovers, this fish-fry is a BUST. 

“The Lobster” is way less interesting than I’m making it sound.

I should have written “The Lobster”. 

Yorgos Lanthimos and I had many tense arguments about what kind of movie “The Lobster” should have been.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t crystal clear on my vision for the film but I was pretty sure I wanted zero dog-murder.

He imagined it as, and I quote: “something dark and cool and serious only for big boys and not for moms”.

My mom would hate “The Lobster”. 

I think I kinda hate “The Lobster”. 

The fact that my taste in movies has begun to more and more frequently align with that of my mother’s is something I have mixed feelings about. 

My mom just never wants to consume media that’s going to bum her out, which is actually super reasonable. 

“The Lobster” is a big ol bummer. 

And if you like “The Lobster” I’m going to change your name in my phone to “Dog Hater”.

from the desk of the arby’s witch.



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